SuperHuman Complex.

This week has made me feel utterly like a failure. Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday were amazing, and then everything snowballed from there.

Eating clean didn't work out entirely this week -- I perhaps ate about 50% clean. Work has been stressful, because I feel I put too much pressure on myself and am anticipating all of the insane concert and festival things that are coming up over the next few months, including directing a play. Gym time started off amazing, and then when eating snowballed, so did gym time....and also self-esteem.

I have a SuperHuman Complex. This is most related to Perfectionism, but not quite.

I can be SuperHuman because I BELIEVE in myself. Perfectionism is when you DON'T believe in yourself and when you're looking to be a particular image because you believe that is "perfect." I am SuperHuman because I BELIEVE in myself, and KNOW I can do this, 100%. I'm driven, and often I'm TOO driven -- which is where "Super" comes in, because it's "above human" and can become (probably is, but I don't want to admit it) unhealthy.

I honestly believe that I can do almost anything. I CAN be an amazing teacher. I CAN be a runner. I CAN be an awesome (almost) Wife.

I CAN do all of these things -- and all at once! These are all things that are extremely important to me, and I want to be the best I can possibly be. I ENJOY doing these things, and have goals in mind that will take me on a fabulous and fulfilling journey.

The problem is -- it's hard for me to accept myself when bumps arise. I get a little too "in the game," and ALWAYS think that there was "something more I could do," but just didn't -- because I was lazy, or because I didn't feel well, or because *gasp* I took some time for myself. I have a tendency to become workaholic due to these feelings, and become so obsessed with my goals that it's almost as if everything else falls away and I put in so much extra time in order to do it all.

And run myself absolutely ragged, and most of all unhappy. Oftentimes I do not realize this until I've reached that point, and THEN realize I'm trying to be SuperHuman and it's NOT a good thing. I have to learn to forgive myself and not torture myself mentally for *gasp* being human.

I have THE MOST amazing Fiancé in the entire world. He is everything to me. I love him so freaking much, and I am so extremely lucky to have him. (He's even getting some Tampons for me as we speak while he's out on errands!) He makes my heart melt, and also talks me through when I get intense like this. At first I don't listen, because I feel as if I've failed when things haven't gone "perfectly" for multiple days, and he eventually gets through to me and I realize he's right.

God I wish I could just write it all here. I can't. It's involved, and I wouldn't give it justice.

I need to realize that sometimes things happen. I can't be SuperHuman -- well, as of right now I'll believe I can't be SuperHuman all of the time, because I'm not quite ready to give that up yet. Will I ever? I'm not sure. I can't speak for the future.

But in lieu of shining light on this, I'm going to declare next week as my official "do-over" week. I'm going to follow week 3's training plan, and give myself a break. I'm WORTH this.

My favorite quote he said, which is so small and insignificant, but meant an unbelievable amount...."You NEED Yoga. We can NEVER miss a Yoga class, EVER. In fact, you probably NEED to do Yoga more than just once per week." It's so silly, and I know anyone reading this would not understand, but it meant so much to me. It was like, a lightbulb went off.